Hyacinth Call Waiting
by Red Witch
Summary: A little Keeping up Apperances fic. What happens when Hyainth gets call waiting on her white slim line phone?


**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. This is just a silly little thought running through my head.**

**Hyacinth Call Waiting**

Hyacinth Bucket (pronounced 'Bouquet' to everyone else's dismay) was causally dusting when the telephone rang. She cheerfully answered it. "The Bouquet residence the lady of the house speaking. Daisy, how are you dear? Oh that's nice. Why are you ringing dear? Oh no I'm not trying to get rid of you it's just that I'm expecting a very important phone call from Mrs. Richardson. You remember, I told you about her. She married that dentist who owns a yacht and a house with a pool by the sea."

Hyacinth frowned. "What do you mean she's not the type of person you thought I'd associate with? Do you have any idea how much braces cost these days? Not that I ever have had experience in that department. Fortunately Sheridan took after me. Teeth perfectly straight. I remember distinctly each time we went to the dentist he'd compliment me on how Sheridan's mouth was exactly like mine. At least I think it was a compliment."

"Oh no dear, don't worry about it. In fact, we can chat as long as we like now that we've got a new phone. Oh didn't I tell you about it? It's almost identical to my old pearl white slim line telephone, only now it has call waiting! Yes it is the latest technology. Only the best for this house. You know Richard, he always insists on me having the best no matter what it costs."

"Yes, yes. Well it's very fortuitous that I do now have call waiting. You remember I was telling you about Mrs. Richardson? Well the reason she is calling me today is that I have applied for membership in her social club. She's the president you know and all applications have to be approved by her! I am thinking of inviting her to one of my candlelight suppers. I want to make an impression. She only allows women with the highest standards into her club. I know I will fit in perfectly with her set!"

Hyacinth listened for a moment. "What about Daddy? What happened to him? He got something. Oh dear I hope it's not the flu. Not that kind of something, well what kind of something do you mean? **A tattoo!? My father got a tattoo?!** All right all right! I won't shout anymore. How could you let this happen Daisy? I entrust you to care for Daddy not stick him with needles and cover him with ink! Well…what is it a tattoo of? Oh my god! I don't believe this! Oh! There goes the other line! Hold on Daisy, I'll be right back. We need to talk about this so just wait a moment."

Hyacinth switched to the second call. "The Bouquet residence the lady of the house speaking. Violet, what is it? Slow down, I can't understand a word you're saying! All right. Violet. Violet. Yes, I got that it's about Bruce, what about him? Violet, you are going to have to explain in more detail than just repeating his name over and over. Yes well what exactly did he do this time? Oh no! Hold on a minute, Violet I have to get off the line to Daisy. Take this moment to gather yourself together and I will be right back!"

She switched back to Daisy. "Daisy I can't talk now, you'll have to call me back later. Violet is on the line. It's Bruce again and quite frankly it takes precedent over Daddy getting a tattoo of a naked lady. Just cover it up and makes sure nobody sees it will you? What do you mean by that won't be a problem unless he decides to go swimming in the canal again? Well where exactly is it? Oh my god…Daisy if he has a tattoo there then I would strongly suggest keeping him out of the canal. And any gentleman's restroom if humanly possible. I can't talk to you now, I'll call you later!"

She went to the other line. "All right now Violet, tell me everything that happened. Oh my. Oh my. Oh my. Violet, when I said tell me everything I did not mean tell me everything in such graphic detail! You are an important woman in the community. You drive a Rolls Royce for heaven's sake. That alone puts you in the class of woman that does not describe the goings on between your husband and his secretary! What do you mean the adultery isn't the worst part? Well as delicately as you can what was the worst part? They were doing it where? Oh my word Violet no wonder you're so upset! I do not blame you for throwing him out! If I had caught Richard even thinking about soiling my Royal Doulton like that he'd be out on his ear! Garden party or no that is not the proper use for it! Yes, yes. I understand completely. Now Violet …listen to me Violet, this is very important…oh no! Hang on, dear. I've got another call coming in."

Hyacinth switched the line again. "The Bouquet residence the lady…No you may not have an order of Crab Rangoon! This is not the Chinese Takeaway!"

"I'm back Violet. No it's that ridiculous Chinese Food nonsense again! I don't understand it! I've written twice to the Chinese foreign embassy but nothing happens! Oh I am so sorry dear, where were we? What? He cleaned out the closet. Well if he took his clothes why should that upset you? He didn't take his clothes. He took your clothes. He thinks he looks better in them. Oh my word. Hold on Violet I have another call."

"The Bouquet Residence…Daisy I told you I'd call you back about Daddy! Oh it's not about Daddy. Rose. No I haven't seen her dear. What? Missing? Are you sure? Well did you check with all of her boyfriends? She sure to be with one of those. Yes, If I were you I'd check her address books. All five of them. Yes. Yes. I'll call you later. Bruce has left Violet for another woman, and he's taken all her clothes for himself. Yes I know. I have to calm her down. Call me when you find her, will you. That's right Daisy."

"Violet, I am so sorry about all these interruptions. Rose has gone off somewhere and they can't find her. Yes well I'm sure all they have to do is look where large congregations of men are. She's sure to be nearby. At least I hope it's the case. You're right. She could have been the victim of fowl play. I warned Rose that her way of life would lead her down dark and dangerous paths. Of course, knowing Rose, she's usually the dangerous person on the path to begin with! Oh for heaven's sake! Someone else is calling me now! What a day! Hold on a little longer Violet. I will be right back."

"The Bouquet Residence…Richard? Is that you dear? I thought you were outside in the garden? You're **where?** Richard Bouquet how could you get drunk? Oh I should have known Onslow was involved! What the…? Richard! Richard! Put Onslow on dear!" 

"Onslow! Stop laughing! How many times have I told you not to sneak my husband away from his gardening duties and get him drunk? I do not find that the least bit amusing Onslow. Now listen to me, bring him home at once! Do you hear? Wait a minute...are you wearing a shirt? Why oh why am I not surprised? Onslow here are your instructions: First you are to go to your home and get a shirt on. A clean shirt with no wrinkles. Then you bring Richard home! Got that? What the…? Why you…! Onslow? Onslow! Hello!"

Hyacinth angrily grumbled. "Of all the irresponsible…Violet! Oh dear, I am so sorry about all these interruptions. Onslow has been making mischief again with my Richard. Husbands! Turn your back on them for one minute and…What? Violet, are you sure that's wise dear? No! No! Violet you will not get a gun. At least not one that isn't used by the aristocracy. Violet, hang on!"

"The Bouquet…Rose! Rose where are you? Daisy has been worried sick! You're where? I'm sorry dear; we must have a bad connection. For a moment I thought I heard you say you were in New York City in America. You are? Rose what are you doing there? You met someone. Oh will wonders never cease. Well I suppose it was inevitable. You've romanced your way throughout the entire European continent. The United States was the next logical step! Well who is he this time? He's an aspiring what? Oh he wants to be like the Sopranos. A singer is he? Not that kind of soprano. Well what kind…? Oh no. Rose! Rose I will not have you associating with someone whom wants to be the next Godfather! Think about what the neighbors will say! And you certainly cannot bring him to any one of my candlelight suppers I am telling you this right now! Rose? Rose! Calm down! Don't you use that language with me young lady! That is not appropriate language to use on a white slim line telephone with call waiting! Rose! Rose!"

"Violet, It's Rose. She's in America! New York of all places! You will never believe this, but she's running around with a mobster now. Yes. No I will not ask her if she can have her boyfriend recommend the name of a good hit man! Oh not again, Violet please hold on. Maybe it's Rose."

"The Bouquet residence…**For the last time this is not A Chinese Takeaway establishment! Got it? Now get off the phone I have several crises to deal with!"**

"Violet, Violet, please listen to reason! You cannot go out and blow up Bruce! Women in your social standing do not do that sort of thing. If it was Daisy that would be different. In fact if there was a chance of her blowing up Onslow I think I would ask Rose if her new boyfriend could suggest someone to do the job! But you Violet. You just can't do it. It's so…unladylike. Well, I suppose poison would be more appropriate. NO! Forget I said that! NO! Violet hang on. Yes I have another call. No don't hang up! I really am listening! No! Violet! Violet!"

Frantically Hyacinth switched on the other line. "Now listen, I have no time for frivolities! My sister has run off to America with a mobster. My shirtless brother-in-law has gotten my husband drunk. My father has just gotten a tattoo of a naked woman in a very embarrassing location on his person. The garden hasn't been weeded and the Chinese embassy hasn't called back yet. And to top it off I think I may have suggested the idea of murder to my other sister who wants to kill her transvestite husband for having an affair with his secretary and ruining a garden party as well as an expensive tea set! **So unless this is very important will you please tell me your business so I can get on with my life and deal with my insane family!"**

Hyacinth's face fell. "Oh hello Mrs. Richardson…"


End file.
